Monday, July 18, 2011

possibly going back to work, and my giant existential crisis

i got a job at a fledgling little creperie in the next town over, on a cute little boardwalk on a lake with buildings that make it look like a miniature german village. the "interview," if you can call it that, was fun-ish, and i got to make a few giant crepes just to show i could do it. however, i will be working for slave wages the likes of which i haven't worked for since i was like, 15 years old, and after looking at my nicely polished resume and the application i filled out, the owner asked me why i wasn't looking for a "real job" which made me feel like a flaming moron. i am having some serious issues with taking this job and i can't make up my mind whether or not i want to actually do it or cut and run. i should decide soon, since my first "training" is at 6 tonight.
the pros of taking this job include: i will get out of the house, i like the town that it's in, i really like crepes, i also enjoy working with food, having money is nice, and the hours are kind of flexible
the cons, and they may be more significant, include: not being with my kid at least 3 nights a week (which now involves the possibility of missing her first steps and real words), not seeing my husband ever because he works like a million jobs, not being able to make/eat dinner, working for somebody else (i hate having a boss. i know that it's a big part of functioning in the real work, but i can't really handle it. i think i have oppositional defiant disorder), the hours are not flexible enough that i can work like 3 hours a week, and also i suspect that even wanting the money is pretty selfish because i don't really want to share it and just want to use it to go to las vegas and get pedicures and waxings every three weeks and buy myself a million new shoes.
so i don't really know. i know ted likes me to stay home, and really, that's what i feel called to do, but i know if i don't at least try it out i'll be like, well, i might have loved it, and pout about it whenever i feel bratty.
for years i felt like my work was what defined me, or at least defined my days. now without work, i feel like i am defined by my kid. don't get me wrong, i love my stenni, but she is her own person and i should be too. do i want to be defined by a job similar to one i would have had at 16? does it really matter? i feel like if i am going to do this, college was a huge waste of time. conversely, taking this job would help to pay the gigantic student loans i took for the education i won't be using.
i know that i'm over analyzing this. teddy told me to pray on it, and it calmed me down but didn't really give me any more clarity on the situation. should i wait for a sign?
maybe i should just go start packing?

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