Friday, December 23, 2011

7 quick takes: the Christmas edition

since you inevitably won't hear from me for a while, here goes nothing:
1. i hate Christmas cards. i hate sending them, so i don't. i hate receiving them, so if you send out Christmas cards thinking that you will bring joy to the recipients, don't send one to me. instead just sit down, pour yourself a glass of wine, drink it and think "merry Christmas, v." i'll be imaginarily air-cheers-ing you. ps i especially hate the cards with pictures of families and children on them. however, if you only have furry children, then i don't mind the cards at all. i would gladly display pictures of various animals in sweaters or huddled under trees.
2. i cannot find mistletoe, like, anywhere this year. i am having a chrismukkah party in 3 hours and i need some mistletoe! how else will everyone be able to get drunk and make bad decisions?
3. a confession: my wonderful, loving husband has to have my mail-ordered/internet presents sent to his parents house, and then wrap and hide them there. he even drops off the ones he buys in stores there too. why? because i'm sneaky, and i will literally rip the house apart to find out what i'm supposed to be getting for Christmas. my family now just asks me what i want or tells me what they bought for me. the surprise (i do hate surprises, really) is gone.
4. at the jazzercise holiday party (which i didn't go to and i'm glad and read on for the reason why) they hired a santa claus. a santa claus who gets naked and dances. a stripper claus. yeah, really. i won't tell my husband because he still has the santa suit from church and an affinity for stripping at parties, so let's keep that between us.
5. i am in pure, full on panic mode. why? because i have only one gingerbread house kit for the whole party. we are usually by the time i break out the gingerbread that we demolish at least one kit before making a gingerbread house that actually stands up for more than 5 minutes. i suppose that the part full of roofers, construction workers and engineers will have to find something else to, build. it's like the andrew w. k. show destroy build destroy only we really don't end up building much of anything before it gets destroyed again.
6. i didn't decorate this year. at all. i mean i put a wreath on the door and put the tree up but i think that's it. i didn't even break out the Christmas potholders. my mom actually hung up some extra stockings around the house and put out some candy on a red dish when she was here before so that it would look like the place where the party is being held, instead of a house for sad atheists, which it is not. between having my kitchen ripped apart and whatnot, i just didn't have the energy to decorate AND put my house back together. also, my house is still not 100% together. eh, neither am i. that's life.
7. i spent more at the booze store this year i think than at any other store where i bought presents. most presents are either booze- or knife-related (but not both. i made sure i planned that pretty carefully). don't you just love the holidays?
merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, etc. hope everything is great in your lives now and in the new year (and between now and then i'll be eating cheeseball and cookies and watching the nye twilight zone marathon and probably also gaining 5 lbs. for good measure. holiday cheer weighs a ton).

No comments:

Post a Comment