TV Guide: The Knocked Up Broad Edition

For real, I am seriously hormonal right now. Like can't even deal with reading my e-mail emotional, on the off chance someone sends me something about puppies because I'll cry for two hours. It's not just normal pregnancy stuff; they're also pumping me full of extra hormones (progesterone injections) weekly to keep this baby baking til it's good and done. So yeah, I keep sobbing at seemingly innocuous things on the TV. It's gonna happen for a few months until the baby gets here, and then about a year after that. And then sporadically for probably the rest of my reproductive years. Then all through menopause. So all I can do for now is try to avoid the worst triggers. I've prepared a handy list for other pregnant ladies in terms of what's safe as far as TV and movies, and what should be avoided at all costs (and what should wait for a few adult beverages and Netflix a few months down the line). I hope that this can spare you some of my pain.

Totally Acceptable Viewing:

• Slasher Flicks. Seriously ok, because they never harm pregnant people or kids in slasher flicks. 
• Zombie movies and TV shows. The Walking Dead is ok until they get to the parts with people and emotions and whatnot, then it's a crapshoot. World War Z was ok too because you never had enough time to connect with the characters before they became zombie feed.
• Sy-Fy Original Movies. I thoroughly enjoyed Sharknado, and not just because I thought Tara Reid might get eaten. These are generally mindlessly fun movies unless you have totally irrational fears of things like flying sharks. This week's Ghost Shark was not quite as good, but thankfully it also did not elicit a serious emotional response (like crying or screaming at the screen) either, just a few comically mis-timed chuckles. Also appropriate are most regular science-fiction movies and TV shows, because these days they're all too ridiculous to deal with real issues that would leave a prego super-emotional.
• Any episode of The Nanny, with the exception of the last one or two (when "The Way We Were" plays as Fran is getting her makeup case in the last episode, I can't help but sob, hormonal or not). The Golden Girls is also, shall we say, golden. 
• Most grown-up cartoons. I've been watching a lot of The Simpsons and Regular Show lately, mostly the latter because it's pretty G to PG and I can watch it with Stenni. Not much to offend there, and they skip the heavy stuff. 
• Musicals. Pretty much all of them. Except Moulin Rouge, which makes me cry like a baby even without the extra hormones. 

Not OK Under Any Circumstances:

• Any episode of Little House on the Prairie. Do yourself a favor and set the parental controls to block the Hallmark Channel as soon as the pregnancy test comes back positive. Trust me on that one.
• Celeste and Jesse Forever.  And I feel like someone should have warned me about this, because they had to know I'd see it eventually. Cute movie, but not even my girl-crush on Rashida Jones could have saved me from openly weeping at all of the awkwardness.  During pregnancy skip this one and move directly to the somewhat-similar 500 Days of Summer, which offers a 50% less chance of weepiness. 
• Skip Law & Order: SVU  if you are prone to watching things and thinking, "That could conceivably happen to me and/or my kids" because while it could, it probably won't, and you'd be better served by thinking about what to make for dinner and who is lurking around what corner.
• I remember watching a movie about Ted Williams when I was pregnant with my daughter, and sobbing uncontrollably when they wouldn't acknowledge that he was the greatest hitter of all time. So I skip the baseball movies, and if you get emotionally involved in sports, you should too.  Hubs still rips on me for this too, so I'll never live it down. Double shame.

 Surprisingly OK: 

• Take Shelter, which dealt with some heavy topics and had a pretty down ending, but was easily handle-able for some reason. Maybe because I've long considered building a storm/bomb shelter and did not think the idea was crazy at all.  
• Midnight in Paris. This was my intro to Woody Allen (with all of the movies I've seen, my husband couldn't believe it), and I might have to look into some of his other work in the future. Aside from the shrewish fiance, there was nothing really objectionable at all in the film and it was just a pretty nice way to spend an hour and a half. 
• I watched every episode of AMC's The Killing this season with bated breath. It was fabulous, even though they kept killing innocent people and misguided teenage girls (and they were involved in some pretty serious business. If you don't like your dramas dark and adult-themed, skip this one), and the ending was honestly kind of a downer. I didn't get as furious with my television this season as I did at the end of season 1 where they left me with the "Who Killed Rosie Larsen" cliffhanger though, so that's a plus (I almost cancelled my cable and shot my TV right then and there. Almost).

Save for Netflix and Adult Beverage Time:

• The new season of Arrested Development that came out around Memorial Day. I mostly enjoyed it, especially towards the end, but I have a feeling that I'd have liked it more with a large rum and coke in my hand. 
• Most other binge-viewable TV series that I want to catch up on, like The League and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and 30 Rock. 

I'm sure there are a TON of things I'm not thinking of. What do you recommend for any of the above categories? Anything you thought was safe that absolutely wasn't (like the Volvo commercial where the boy make that bracelet for the girl at the end of camp and gives it to her in that engraved, hollowed-out, awesomely decorated log box? Because that made me sob.), or didn't think to watch but were ok with? Please let me know if I'm too severely limiting my options! 

You cannot tell me that this does not seem like an episode of the Twilight Zone

78,000 to live on Mars: Have you signed up?

Sooooo this article pretty much speaks for itself but apparently several thousand people have signed up to potentially be picked to colonize Mars (which I believe is probably a good thing, as Stephen Hawking recently advised colonization of other planets so we've got somewhere to go when we ruin ours, and like, he's pretty smart). But how have they actually signed up for this noble and important scientific project? Through a non-profit which plans to film a reality show about the trip. And only 4 people will make it. And they won't be able to come back. And seriously, they have to be in a reality show.

I'm sorry, but this all sounds like the set-up to an episode of The Twilight Zone to me. I always think that in the 1960s they imagined that so much more was possible, especially in regards to space travel, than we've actually been able to actually manifest. It's a shame. Big portions of money that could be spent on scientific experiments and space exploration are wasted on the stupidest things, and no one seems to understand that these were the things that used to make America great. We wanted more than we could ever see, or even imagine. Now where is that adventurous spirit? We're lucky that we've got rich wackos like Rickard Branson and that dude from N'Sync to carry it on, at least in part. And you know what they say (at least they said it on Mad Men this week), "everybody loves an astronaut." But not so much anymore, I suppose. People would rather de-fund NASA cut defense spending even a tiny bit (the US does spend more than the next dozen or so countries combined on this one thing, which is obviously important but come on.) Science fiction writers used to be on the forefront of actual science, because they could imagine things that were later found to be possible (despite the "fictional" origins of their ideas). Now I don't know if fewer people have the imagination to dream these things up, or perhaps we're just less ambitious? Maybe our priorities are just out of whack. 

I just feel like we should be so much further than this, have discovered so much more by now, but it's almost as if we don't even have the chance anymore without some gimmick attached (often, unfortunately, for funding purposes). I know that there are people who don't believe in science. I think it's crazy, but I know that they exist. Climate change deniers, people who think the Earth was made like 4000 years ago and that dinosaurs and man existed together, people who say that there is no life in space despite clear evidence to the contrary, these are all people who actually walk among us, who are given voice in our society. Do I think that they are detrimental to society as a whole? Oh, most definitely. But honestly, we can't silence them. They have rights. They have the right to ignore science and factual information. But without them, we as a country would be a whole lot further, and we maybe wouldn't have to do it with the spectre of reality TV as a source of funding for a significant scientific event. And I shudder to think how this show will end.

Reviews of scary things for which I was very excited but just left me disappointed in the end.

If you're not a fan of scary things and/or major spoilers, do yourself a favor and skip this post. 

Original 1981 Poster. Pretty accurate visual summation of the film.

2013 Poster. Not much to look at, and full of lies.

First of all, I'd like to say that the new Evil Dead movie was something that I was looking forward to since I first heard that it would be remade. The first movie (heck, the first series of movies really) was a classic, and since there were a lot of the same people on board, I had high hopes. But let me just say, it certainly does not live up to the claims made on the poster. Def not the most terrifying film I've ever experienced. Let me start off with the main good points: decent acting, spooky location, effective use of some of the camera tricks from the original,  re-creation of some of the more important/memorable events and story elements from the first film, and even a more reasonable of a backstory than the 1981 classic (in the 2013 version, a detoxing drug addict with a history of relapse is the reason they don't want to leave the cabin). Even the effects were a little cheesy, but not CGI'd, which is a definite plus for me. But on the flip side, I did not end up caring about or rooting for any single one of the characters in this movie (with the exception of the dog, but you can guess what happens there). Also, the ridiculous black humor that made me love the first series of film so much was sadly absent. The buckets of blood and geysers of gore were there, so that was mercifully similar. There were also odd story elements that got no explanation and seemed completely unnecessary (like the cats? who thought that up? and the odd kissing thing?) But I suppose that no Ashe was the real deal-breaker for me.
I read a few reviews that called the film really misogynist. I don't think that was the case. I just feel like the female characters were really disposable and poorly written (and probably not on purpose). The poor blonde girl? You know she's not going to make it to the credits the moment you see her. She just doesn't seem important. The nurse? Well once everyone realizes that they're dealing with demons and not a medical condition, there's really no reason for her to stick around, is there? But like I said before, I didn't particularly care about any one character very much anyway, so it wasn't much of a loss. It's almost as if they were written to care about the other female characters, and so they obviously had to come into contact with the demon first, and then we all know where it goes from there.
All in all, I'm glad I went to see it. It was a nice drive-in date with my husband. But did it retain the cheesy, funny, blood-and-guts scholckiness of the original? Sadly, no. Should you go see it? Meh. If you're a big fan of the original, go for it. But if not, do yourself a favor and see the 1981 classic, and then the two sequels.

And then, although I missed the boat on getting this review to you in a timely fashion, let's talk about the season finale of The Walking Dead. Did you want to scream when the credits rolled (because I totally screamed, and it was both mature and attractive)? I know that we've dealt with the Woodbury storyline for a whole season or so, but now that the Governor has shown his true colors and has killed off most of the healthy adults and all of the feeble, the elderly, and the kiddies are "safe" at the prison, where do we go from here? We know that the Governor, sneaky snake that he is, is out there somewhere plotting his revenge. Will the two nutso cronies he has left be obedient little lapdogs and continue to do his bidding, or will they turn on him like they should have done in the last two minutes of the season to save us all of this agony? And now that the prison is full of people who need a lot of protection, how will that be accomplished? But I'm glad they brought Tyrese back into the prison fold, and I'm hoping that the group can enjoy at least a brief happiness there, since the location is being dragged into next season. 
And now let's talk Andrea, shall we? As a reader of the comic book, I feel like they kill off the very characters who would otherwise move the story forward in interesting ways. When Dale died at the farm, I my first response was at least they still have Andrea. Now? I just don't know where they're going with this. And unfortunately, she really didn't accomplish much of anything. She tried to do a lot of things, but she really failed miserably at all of them. Maybe that's why she got a bite from the world's meekest walker and had to opt out in the end. Seems a pretty serious punishment for just not being able to get herself on lockdown.
Carl and his little trigger-happy episode has shown the audience that about as much of Shane's influence on him stuck as his father's, and that might not be a bad thing. He does seem to think clearly when no one else does (like earlier this season when he found all of the medical supplies on his own instead of hanging out with the women and the infirm), and understands that there are dangers that can't be measured or reasoned with. I like this new Carl, because he seems to know what needs to be done in the new world but you can tell he still has to think about what he'll do because he's got a conscience.
All this to say that I was taking bets on who from the prison would die (I figured Beth, Hershel, and the baby, and maybe Carol), and when no one did? Well I wasn't that disappointed about that, especially since every episode will be fraught with danger, and I'm sure they'll bite it eventually. But when there was no resolution at all? AMC, if you didn't make the best shows on TV, you and I would have words. And those words would be, I'm never watching you again and you make me want to play in traffic.   

there goes the jersey shore

My sister's boyfriend, Neal the Weatherman, who does the Rutgers University WeatherWatcher forecasts on Sunday nights, shared this picture this morning:

So if anyone's concerned about the cast of Jersey Shore, worry not. They've been out of town since filming wrapped in August. Thank God.

The beach, though, looks like it's faring a little worse, since the water's already underneath the boardwalk in some spots!

Everyone in coastal areas, be safe! Head for high ground!

cookies, and why i currently loathe them. also, why i mostly like amc.

every year, a group of lovely ladies and i have a cookie exchange. each lady makes 7 dozen of the same cookies and then switches with everyone so we each have a dozen of all 7 kinds of cookie. i used to try to make really complicated cookies, like those filled pecan lace praline-type cookies and whatnot. this year, since my wonderful husband took me to a whoopie pie-making class at hershey farm inn for valentine's day, i decided i would try my hand at some miniature chocolate whoopie pies. so i did a few recipe trial runs and came out with BEAUTIFUL, yummy whoopie pies with a delicious marshmallow fulling, coated with sparkly red sprinkles, but they were still a little too big. figuring i could just make them smaller, i made them about 3 nights before the exchange. well they came out flat and not-so-tasty looking, but i was going to give them out anyway because honestly, they were still super delicious. so i packaged them up in little bakery boxes and thought i was done with all that. but since the kitchen is being re-done, i was forced to leave them on the counter for the evening, where my dog promptly ate them. so in the morning, before the cookie exchange brunch and with my kitchen all ripped apart, i made another 10 dozen cookie! however, i decided not to torment myself with those whoopie pies again. i made oatmeal and toffee chocolate chunk cookies, and they were/are totally awesome. however, since my kitchen is half done now and has no counters or sink or anything, i can get some respite from holiday baking (i also made rye bread, blueberry cake, and a super-awesome black pepper pound cake the night before the cookie incident). anyway, here's the recipe for the oatmeal cookies...it is super easy and makes like a ton (for the 7 dozen i needed, i doubled it and ended up with about 2-3 dozen extra). adapted from betty crocker cake mix book:

ingredients:

1 box butter yellow cake mix

1/2 cup sugar

1 cup margarine

1 teaspoon (or more, depending on your tastes) good vanilla extract

1 egg

2 cups quick-cooking oats

1 cup chocolate and toffee pieces, roughly chopped (or 1 bag of those yummy heath bar pieces)

directions:

1. Heat oven to 350. In large bowl, beat cake mix, brown sugar, butter, shortening, water, cinnamon and egg with electric mixer on medium speed about 1 minute or until smooth. With spoon, stir in oats and chocolate and toffee pieces.
2. Drop dough by teaspoonfuls about 2 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheets.
3. Bake 9 to 12 minutes (centers will be soft). Cool 1 minute; remove from cookie sheets. Store covered.
4. consume by the dozens. yum.

i was lucky to have such an easy recipe in my mental file so that i didn't go completely cuckoo-bananas when deandra ate the whoopie pies, though whether i'll go on a baking jag the next time i'm having work done in my kitchen and have no storage is another matter. i should have known better, obviously.

on an entirely different note, i think i'm done with boardwalk empire. it totally jumped the shark. but are you watching hell on wheels on amc? i wasn't convinced at first, but i am following it now. why? well i like railroads and westerns, but it's mostly because of this guy right here:

yummy. he's even a semi-good guy, like a reluctant occasional almost-hero who sometimes kind of saves most of the day. you should watch it at least once. plus it has a creepy swede who is just kind of fun to watch.
i have such a love/hate relationship with AMC. i ADORE so many of their shows (obviously mad men, most definitely the walking dead, the killing, and hell on wheels), but i really can't deal with their dangling plotlines and the way they break up their seasons so that you get like 2 episodes every 17 months. every once in a while i toy with the idea of not watching their shows anymore, but i'm such a sucker for a good story, and so many shows on amc are just good stories.